Where's my head @?

The Sanctum Imperalis hasn't broken me but I am in a challenging place at the minute hobbywise. My number one goal for this Hobby Season was:

Develop a more healthy hobby/life balance - go to bed at a decent hour[ish], keeping a record might help [although tried it already for 2 months and it didn't]...

And I'm not sure I've got anywhere close to that. Recently though I've at least been able to contemplate the thought 'if I feel tired, then I shouldn't go to the man cave, I should go to bed'. I tend to achieve the first bit but end up sitting watching TV or glued to my phone [now THAT is an addiction!]. I might manage an 11:30pm but that's still not the 10:45pm I could achieve when the realisation initially hits.

My evening is routinely spent watching a TV show with my eldest. Game of Thrones, The Expanse, American Gods, Taskmaster, Alan Partridge amongst others. We watch these ordinarily from 9- 10pm. Except he's revising and busy and often he's now only getting down at 9:30-9:45 which means my hobby time is being compressed. This leaves me with two options - to start painting at 10:30 and risk end up painting later than midnight [I can't seem to leave before then] or not paint at all...

But I've realised that time with my son should be the priority. In less than 18 months he'll be looking to go to university, with his current first choice being Oxford! I know right, super proud if he gets that opportunity. So our nightly TV sessions are time limited and the hobby will be there afterwards.

So I'm currently split 50:50 between wanting to paint and not wanting to paint. Some might suggest I've lost my mojo or motivation but having been there before this feels different. It's more like the situation at Ferrari - Vettel has a priority in 50:50 situations. Meaning, given the choice, I'm currently doing nothing instead of painting. That's not a bad thing, aside from not getting any hobby in, I am vaguely meeting my 'hobby/life balance' criteria so I shouldn't feel guilty about it but after so long persistently active it feels like I should. When you think about the hobby constantly its tough to reconcile not acting on any of those thoughts.

The deadline for the Sanctum was a week earlier than I thought so there was a reason [and pressure] to deliver it, which helped me through this. It wasn't actually the deadline in the end but it did overwhelm any doubts or obstacles so I could just get it done.

But it has left me asking what is my motivation, what do I want to do with my hobby?

I'm left with models that I either have to paint or those I want to paint.

Obviously I have a Hobby Season To Do List that can help marshal my thoughts and offer me a direction but a lot has changed since I wrote that list and I'm left questioning what I'm fundamentally  getting out of my hobby efforts at the moment. That's not to say this questioning would change my priorities but I think I shall definitely be looking to paint what I want to - going with the flow, in the foreseeable future. That said I have to paint that Dark Shroud, so if I get that out of the way it'll be one less thing to worry about.

Frustratingly I know structure, planning and a deadline are always great motivators to help direct my efforts but right now I can't contemplate having that rigidity imposed. I'll paint as and when I want and just see what comes out. I'm hoping I'll be happier with this, even if it's less productive.